Confessions
by Whensdai
Summary: Whensdai needs closure. What will happen when she is confronted with the man she fears the most?
1. Thank You Doctor

"So, Miss Mason, how long did you know him before you actually talked to him?" said the doctor in slow monotone voice.

"Five years. Well I don't count the times he talked to me on accident. Say in a corridor or in the library." She said just barely above a whisper. Her hands were shaking badly so she placed them between her knees.

"That's a long time, and you never once had a conversation with him or either of his friends?" the doctor asked raising one of his eyebrows.

"No." she said as though she was ashamed.

"Well I hate to end this now, Miss Mason, but our hour is up. I shall see you next Tuesday same time same place. Oh and here is that prescription for your new medication." He said as they stood.

"Thank you Doctor."

Whensdai walked down the street of modern day London. Slipping the prescription into her purse she headed to her car. Yes it would be easier to apparate, but anything that connected her to the wizarding world made her think of him. She sighed and sat in her car quietly, thinking and remembering. How long ago was it that she breathed for the moments he spoke to her? Sadness and regret made her arms feel heavy. She started the car suddenly and headed directly for the pharmacy. Maybe this was the one, the one drug that would fill his void. It was unlikely but at least it would give her a good enough high to not think about him.

She stood in the kitchen of her small flat in uptown London. A pill bottle sat on the counter next to an empty coffee mug. Vodka made it easier for her to take the pills. How many different prescriptions did she take now? Whensdai sat on her sofa and stared into the fire that was roaring softly in her living room.

"I need closure." The heavily medicated Whensdai said to the very empty room.

-

Anytime she went somewhere she looked for those whom she didn't want to see, especially him. She pushed her shopping cart slowly down the isles, picking out each and every item on her list. How boring her life was, but that's the way she liked it. Complicated and interesting lives reminded her of him. She sighed and continued her stopping in peace.

Whensdai turned on her radio as she was putting her groceries away. She hummed softly to the song that was currently playing. Today had been an overall good day. Not only did she get all her shopping done, but her new medication was working like a dream. Whensdai changed into some more comfortable clothes and sat down on the couch with her package of cookies and a book she had intended on finishing tonight. Before she knew it, she was sleeping soundly, her cookies uneaten and her book unread.

Everyday was the same. Always the same meals always the same work. But she liked living this way. Her job was easy and riskless. Acting that she was happy and normal turned out to be surprisingly easy. Her coworkers never seemed to notice that she was dying inside. Whensdai ignored the fact that she needed him, desperately. She only thought that he was out of her mind, when really he was in all she knew.

One evening as she was sorting through the days mail she came across a letter that was addressed to her. Her heart began to race as she opened the letter. Whensdai recognized the perfect handwriting immediately. "Hermione" she whispered as she read the letter quickly. So they were finally going to be married. Ron and Hermione, she always knew they would end up together. She smiled as she thought of the first time she spoke to Hermione. It was on the Hogwarts express at the beginning of their sixth year. She had always watched and envied the Gryffindor trio. Hoping and whishing one day she would have people who cared about her as they cared about each other.

Whensdai was raised in an orphanage. Having no family or friends she always depended upon herself for everything and anything. She can remember the day that Dumbledore had come calling for her, telling her she was a witch and that she belonged at Hogwarts as if it were yesterday. He was so interesting that she couldn't stop staring at him. Then that fateful day came, her first day at Hogwarts. She noticed him immediately, not for the rumors or that whispers, but by his aura. Whensdai felt it when she was near him. She always knew when he was around. Through her years at Hogwarts she watched him and loved him from a distance, never allowing herself to be close to him. Whensdai feared for her heart and she feared rejection.

As the years passed her love grew for him, yet she remained invisible to him. Whensdai was a very talented witch, having only Hermione Granger exceed her in their classes and examinations. She remained focused on her studies, and having no friends proved this to be rather easy.

Whensdai left Hogwarts with sadness in her heart the summer following her first year. The orphanage was so lonely for her. She hated that she had to be there, she hated that everyone else had a nice family to go home to. Most of all she missed him. She missed the laughter that caused his face to light up and she missed his eyes. She missed the way they would shine so brightly when he thought no one was watching.

"You haven't had contact with him since you left this school, correct?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, that's correct." She replied softly, her mind drifting to other lands.

"Why haven't you tired to contact him, Miss Mason?" The doctor asked in an almost accusing tone.

"I…I don't…I don't know." She said distractedly.

Whensdai could not have been happier as September first came around. Finally being back at Hogwarts felt so good to her that she could rarely be found in a bad mood. The feeling didn't last long though. Whensdai longed for friends. She felt so invisible all the time that she seemed to really not exist. The only people who seemed to register that she was alive were the professors.

The year was quickly slipping away from her. The more she hung on to the year, the quicker it ended. Whensdai was devastated at the thought of going back to the orphanage. No sooner than the night she returned, she had already planned her escape. The police caught her not but a half hour after she ran away.


	2. Broom Closet

That summer was one of the worst for her. Her attempts to escape had all came crashing down upon her. Whensdai accepted the fact that she was supposed to reside at that god forsaken place. Many many nights she would lie awake in her uncomfortable bed, praying to the gods to send her freedom, or to at least make the days go by faster. 

One night, a summer storm was upon that part of London. Having hated storms all her life, she hid in a broom closet through the night. Whensdai lit her candle and sat quietly in the small little room. She thought of him, as she always did. She would have given her life to have him sitting in the closet with her, not saying anything, just being there. Having brought her parchment ink and quill she began to write. What she was writing she didn't know. After the better part of two hours she realized it was a letter, to him.

Frightened by her rapid pacing of her heart and the blinding lightning from under the door, she decided to burn the letter. As the parchment began to burn, something told her to put it out before the words were gone forever. So she did.

For hours she watched the candle light flicker in her little closet. Whensdai wished upon every star in the sky that night that someone would find her and comfort her. To tell her that soon the storm would be over. No such comfort would ever reach her that fearful night. For the first time since she was a child, she cried. With every tear she shed, her heart hardened

She had to do it. There was no avoiding it. Hermione was her friend, so for Hermione, she must. Whensdai walked down the crowded street of Diagon Alley. How long had it been since she had been here? "Forever." She said quietly to her thoughts. Hermione had explained in her letter that her dress robes had to be green, dark green to be correct, but she didn't explain why. Hermione also had said that she wanted complete wizard wedding apparel, nothing that had to do with muggles. Whensdai had smiled when she read this part. "So Hermione is trying to get rid of her past is she?" she had said after reading the letter. This seemed surprising to her because Hermione had always been proud of her background.

When Whensdai walked into the shop she saw a friendly and familiar face. She hadn't changed a bit, that Hermione.

"WHENS!" shouted Hermione as she ran towards Whensdai, embracing her sister-like.

"Hermione." Whensdai said softly looking at her full in the face, taking in every inch of her face. It felt so odd being here with her, after so long.

"Whensdai Mason! WHY have you not answered any of my letters until now!" Hermione said with a hurt look on her face.

"I've been busy. I work hard, and you know, it's just….hard." Whensdai explained, saying the last part in a whisper.

"That's no excuse." Hermione said in a caressing tone, knowing that it would hurt Whensdai to even talk about it.

"I know…" replied Whensdai looking at her shoes.

Being back within the halls of her beloved Hogwarts was like a dream come true. Whensdai began to write more and more letters to him, never sending him one. Just the thought of maybe one day, him knowing the truth, frightened her to no end. She kept these letters which held her heart locked away in a small black box, buried in the depth of her school trunk.

Her third year was happily going by slowly. The fearful threat of the murderous Sirius Black kept the students on their toes. Whensdai never excelled more in her past than this year. Always she watched him, always she wrote letters to him, wishing and hoping that one day, he would notice her, one day, he might possibly love her.

Whensdai watched Hermione closely as they ate ice cream at Florean Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlor. She could never have looked happier. Whensdai half smiled as she looked away and down at her beloved ice cream. A wave of sadness suddenly came upon her. She missed him, and dearly. She would have given anything to be sitting here with him, eating ice cream, like so many years ago.

"Stop, Whens. Don't even think about him, okay." Hermione said softly placing her hand on tops of hers.

"I was…wasn't." Whensdai replied avoiding Hermione's eyes.

"Yes you were. You get this look in your eyes when you do. I know because I've seen it before. I'm not an idiot, Whensdai Mason." Stated Hermione in her very bossy tone.

"Whatever 'Mione." Whensdai said smiling, avoiding her accusation.

"So now, where are you staying until the wedding? Ronald would love to see you I'm sure." Asked Hermione smiling as she ate her ice cream.

"Oh at the Leaky Cauldron where else." Whensdai said, eyeing her suspiciously.

"Oh rubbish, you will stay with us at the Burrow, and I wont take no for an answer. Plus Mrs. Weasley would kill me if I didn't return with you. You are her adopted daughter, if you well remember."

Whensdai's third and fourth year passed before she could barely grasp them. She was sick of it, so completely sick of life that she had to get out of that hell hole. One night, when all the adults were out for a night party which was annual and never missed, she snuck out past the eldest orphan that had been set to guard them. Whensdai was so surprised when she boarded the late night muggle bus, going who knows where.

Why was the light so bright? Whensdai's thoughts came flowingly into focus as she slowly opened her eyes. She did it. She actually did it. As the bus came to a halt Whensdai ran off the bus, knocking countless people over in her pursuit. The air never smelled as sweet as it did this glorious day.

Whensdai's happiness could not be tampered with, even when it began to rain. All she was with her was her trunk, filled with all of her belongings. It didn't surprise her that they all fit comfortably, considering her never was given anything for any holiday. She smiled up at the sky and let the rain fall down on her face. Within the hour she was soaked to the bone and though she was happy on the inside, she was miserable on the outside.

It seemed like the night had fallen before she even knew it. The rain got heavier by the hour and Whensdai feared that she would find no shelter. Why had she left before making better plans? How stupid could she get? She shook her head as she walked off the road and through a muddy field. After what seemed like hours of trudging through the mud and rain, she saw a distant house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Whensdai was weak from not eating and was so tired she could barely keep walking. She staggered to a near by tree after minutes of walking towards the cozy looking house. Her vision blurred and blackness was all she knew.

"Fred! Hey FRED! Come here, I just found….found….a girl?" A very annoying and loud voice announced. Whensdai wanted to open her eyes but her head was pounding so profusely that she didn't dare.

"Oi…George. What's that you hollerin' about!" said an equal annoying voice, just not as loud.

"I FOUND SOMEONE YOU GIT!" yelled the original annoying voice. Whensdai suddenly felt her body leave the ground. She turned and snuggled into whatever that was holding her.

'Was that a heart beat?' a red flag flew up as this thought crossed her mind. She opened her eyes and was blinded by the intense sunlight.

Whensdai's vision came back to her and was struck with fear when she was that she was not only being carried by a boy, but by George Weasley. Just as George muttered "What the…" She squirmed out of his arms and fell hard on the ground, twisting her ankle. As hot tears came to her eyes, she would not let them see her cry. She got up and stepped away from George as he made a grab at her. "Hey now…it okay..." George said as she drew her wand on him.

"Now see here, I am not going to hurt you damnit!" George said looking a little pissed and frustrated.

"George, who's the girl?" Fred asked joining his twin brother, right in the line of fire of Whensdai's wand.

"Dunno..." shrugged George looking over at Fred. Whensdai couldn't hurt them, she would be expelled.

Whensdai fell to her knees suddenly and fell into a state of some kind or euphoria. George rushed over to her, Fred hot on his heels and picked her up at once. She did not reject their kindness. She could hear everything, but her vision was all a haze. Whensdai felt so dead, lying there in his arms, unable to move her body, or think comprehensible thoughts. Oh all places, why did she have to come here? Why did the gods do this to her? Her eyes fluttered closed and she was lost in her world of darkness.


End file.
